How is it that I thought I was just doing fine thinking I have full control of myself and that I am completely uncompromising in a relationship’s status quo? But as it turned out, my emotions betrayed me.
I feel stupid about it. I feel very stupid that yet again I got tricked by myself, I failed to do what I must have done from the very beginning –to guard my heart. I thought wrong and right now it feels extremely awful.
I’m crying like I just got brokenhearted when in fact I shouldn’t be. I thought sleep would take it away and even prayer, but it’s already 02:30 in the morning and I cry ’til now because it hurts a lot.
I feel the urge to be angry and blame the person and even God, but I can’t, I just can’t, ’cause I know I had the big part to be blamed for.
I know the very thing to do in this very situation: to reevaluate, refocus, re-fix my eyes on Jesus Christ, learn and be wiser than ever before –but why is it that they’re empty words before me as I speak them to myself?
It’s like there’s a war inside me, “I should be like this, but I can’t”, extremely complicated. Still, dashes of hoping stands out, even if my mind and my heart are in a rage of difficulty, I still want to stand in faith and hope more of God’s promises. It feels like it doesn’t matter that chunks of doubt is pouring all over me, and that I feel extremely the opposite of “hoping”.
I thank God that even if I’m crying a lot and that my mind’s not totally made up, he still can remind me of his promise, that even if my heart and flesh fail, even if I fail, I will receive strength from him, refuge, comfort, peace and defense, and that he is my portion for all time, my indescribable joy who will lift me up.
I know it now, as I end this post, I must continuously learn to trust in Him with all my heart and never ever lean on my own understanding, on my own thoughts, on my own feelings; I must acknowledge Him even more in everything I engage myself to, so that in His own ways He will let me know His direction and have the strength and faculty to walk in it.
Maybe after some days I’ll be able to recover and publish a better constructed blog post than this.
