I feel stupid about it. I feel very stupid that yet again I got tricked by myself, I failed to do what I must have done from the very beginning –to guard my heart. I thought wrong and right now it feels extremely awful.

I’m crying like I just got brokenhearted when in fact I shouldn’t be. I thought sleep would take it away and even prayer, but it’s already 02:30 in the morning and I cry ’til now because it hurts a lot.

I feel the urge to be angry and blame the person and even God, but I can’t, I just can’t, ’cause I know I had the big part to be blamed for.

I know the very thing to do in this very situation: to reevaluate, refocus, re-fix my eyes on Jesus Christ, learn and be wiser than ever before –but why is it that they’re empty words before me as I speak them to myself?

It’s like there’s a war inside me, “I should be like this, but I can’t”, extremely complicated. Still, dashes of hoping stands out, even if my mind and my heart are in a rage of difficulty, I still want to stand in faith and hope more of God’s promises. It feels like it doesn’t matter that chunks of doubt is pouring all over me, and that I feel extremely the opposite of “hoping”.

I thank God that even if I’m crying a lot and that my mind’s not totally made up, he still can remind me of his promise, that even if my heart and flesh fail, even if I fail, I will receive strength from him, refuge, comfort, peace and defense, and that he is my portion for all time, my indescribable joy who will lift me up.

I know it now, as I end this post, I must continuously learn to trust in Him with all my heart and never ever lean on my own understanding, on my own thoughts, on my own feelings; I must acknowledge Him even more in everything I engage myself to, so that in His own ways He will let me know His direction and have the strength and faculty to walk in it.

Maybe after some days I’ll be able to recover and publish a better constructed blog post than this.

I MISS YOU ALL RAMOS FAMILY!! A LOT!!

Riesse and me

Ate Riesse and baby Elianah

The ride to and fro the hospital was quite endearing for me, I don’t know why but it felt unbelievably liberating to roam places with just by yourself, see people of different walks of life busy with whatever they’re on, and just ponder on the various scenes you witness; it didn’t even matter that halfway was a frenzied market place.

Shot from LRT station.

I have heard him preach twice, the latest is after attending an amazing and a blessed camp in Bulacan just before the end of last year, I should say that he’s unlike the common pastors I hear in churches who preach for an hour or so. He preaches uniquely and more than the time, I believe, most are used to, and quite surprisingly, those 2 sermons I’ve listened to were very spiritually enriching.

I’d like to make this post so to share how God has blessed me and my friends during the camp and the book he gave us; we are so blessed by him and his family’s testimony of how passionate they are of Christ (More than 6 or so hours of family devotion! And some other more surprising stuff that happened to them, at school, random events, etc.), all by God’s grace and for His glory alone.

I am to read chapter 4 upon resume but I was caught early by some big points the former chapters before it contain. To talk about one big hit, for me, would be chapter 2 wherein he wrote about “Understanding The Blessing”. Summarizing, he wrote the true definition of God’s blessing and it can be found in 2 Bible verses:

“The blessing of the Lord BRINGS WEALTH and he ADDS NO TROUBLE to it.” -Prov. 10:22

“Surely goodness and love will FOLLOW ME all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” -Ps. 23:6

The first point, according to proverbs, is that if the blessing is true and it is from God, it must be perfect in a sense that it bears no burden with it, it is “unattached, griefless, trouble-free, sorrow-free” as how Ptr. Chua elaborated it. Furthermore, it is “not promotion without commotion, prosperity without longevity, wealth without health, recognition with no restoration”. Thus, if a “blessing” has otherwise –it makes you worry, it makes you sad or angry, it doesn’t give you any comfort nor peace– then it is NOT from God, and it is not a TRUE blessing.

The second point is that The Blessing is not to be chased after. It is not to be pursued. Ptr. Chua wrote:

The Presence of God attracts the blessings, but it is obedience to His Word that brings The Presence of God (The Blessing) to the scene.

Such statement came from two verses, one is the latter verse I stated above, from Psalms, and the other is from Matthew 6:33 (“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”). To simply put, people, Christians all the more, should learn to fix our eyes on our Rewarder than the rewards.

There’s this one truth I experienced today and I thank God so much for letting me have it because I received The Blessing: A communion with God a day makes all the difference in the world.

I received genuine optimism and joy, enthusiasm and love for people, a submissive heart and a fresh faith, all in a day. And I am so praying I’d be able to pull myself nearer and nearer and nearer before His feet by His grace tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and all the days that comes after it because true enough, it’s everything a person ever needs to live a day perfectly: a quality time with my Creator, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Lover, my Counselor, my Teacher, my Friend, my Father. If you make God your priority, He will make sure you have always been His priority.

By the way, I don’t know if Ptr. Chua’s book is out in bookstores but if it is, it would be a blessing to buy a copy.

God’s awesome!

At the very start of the year, my mind was filled of thoughts about witnessing numerous young people come and join NAG’s youth ministry. But everything was changed as 2011′s end approached, He dealt from the core, from the inside, and eventually, out. I am now convinced, maybe not during my term, maybe on the coming batches of young leaders, God will make it happen in an unimaginable amazing way with a much better perspective and deeper purpose. For now, all that there is, is to learn the basics and, yet, the most important of all: to seek Him above all, to trust in Him fully and not lean on our own understanding, to be still and know that He is God.

Sabi nga it’s not about the number, it’s about the heart, and truly, God broke and made new the youth ministry’s heart. Still a very long road to walk on, but I am thankful, in my unexpectedly almost 6 years sa YM’s leadership, I have experienced a LOT of bittersweet moments and all of them are too wonderful because God let them be so.

2011 has been a great experience for me as a leader, as a youth, as a Christian, and most of all, as a person. The events that God let me get through this year changed me, still is, and I am more amazed witnessing other young peoples’ lives get changed from glory to glory.

I encourage every young people who knows Jesus Christ to never give up seeking Him despite the odds you face every day. It is never an easy thing to be His follower but it’s always the most wonderful life anybody chooses to live as. There might always be a lot of trials along the road but know that He who holds the world carries us throughout the journey.

More than too often, people plot plans in their minds for a definite stretch of time, but no matter how meticulously premeditated it is, God’s plan prevails.

I greet you all a very merry Christmas and a blessed new year!

This is very unhealthy for me, I need to get my mind off those thoughts and get a life today. Seriously. lols X)

3 days to go and it’s Christmas here in the Philippines! It feels like 2011 just started last week because I still remember memorable events last January. So…

• I just had my official vacation last week and it’s quite fantastic, it’s been long since I have gone to my grandparents’ place in the province with my family. It’s the usual place but there’s really nothing like family, we had so much fun –usual food and stuff, though, every time it’s always so refreshing.
• Since the 40 days Prayer and Fasting ended on the 16th of this month I guess my appetite isn’t as big as before and I am absolutely happy about it of course. (I’ve waited for it so long. XD)
• Even though it’s Christmas vacation, me and my thesis group mates have to rush since by the weekend of the first week of January 2012 we have to undertake our pre-oral defense, wherein we have to present our chapters 1 to 3 to a set of panel, so there’s pressure and stress even on vacation. Anyhow, it’s better this way since, hopefully, this is our last semester then it’ll be graduation! XD Sweet!
• I’m sort of a loafer this week, although I was productive all morning today doing chores -organizing stuff, decorating our house for the holidays, cleaning up mess. I have really got nothing on my hands to do right now aside from surfing the net non-stop, watching movies and series, tuning in to TV shows, eating, blogging, pondering about both the nonsense and otherwise and some other lazy stuff people do when bored. XD Actually, I can call myself doing something when I get off the house to malls or some other place.
• Last but not the least, I am so looking forward to the holidays! Aside from the fact that my birthday’s on it, I will technically be a year older in 5 days! So yeah, that’s kinda included on the former. Anyways, it’ll be like: Christmas -> Birthday -> New Year. I’ve got some cash and other activities on the line, I really hope this short vacation would be fun as how I think it’ll be.
• This post seems like a rubbish time killer. *laughs* I’m typing anything that comes to mind. So if you’re still reading, I don’t know what to say. *humongous grin with sparkling cute eyes*

Have a very merry Christmas and may God bless us more! Happy holidays! X)

I am thankful that God has put me in this phase when he makes me able to choose him more than what I just want for myself, when he equips me to step out of my comfort zone because he is eager to let me have or experience something unfathomably magnificent.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

(Philippians 1:21)

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

(Matthew 16:24)

I asked myself this question, how do I live for Christ? Truly? How do I deny myself, take up my cross and follow him? Is it enough to be involved in a ministry? Is it enough to establish a daily quiet time with him? Is it enough to facilitate my own discipleship group? All these and so much more hits the question but not quite enough. I believe there’s something far greater than these to make it all right and full in satisfaction to my query.

It’s extending Christ from our empty selves to the world –every single day, every task we do, big or small. No need to section your life, there should be no Christ-things and then My-things. I say empty selves because that’s what God wants for us, to be empty, so he can fill us with all the best things we can never imagine.

All I desire most in my life is to serve Christ in the way he wants me to, no reserves, no My-things, no complains and no questioning. I am not like this yet but I desire to be this person in His perfect time. One big ambition is to be a missionary, I’d like to see how Christ moves so mightily in other peoples lives, how he breaks each one and makes them new. But then, I desire most is to let His will be done in this life He lent me.

Whatever it may be, I hope and pray that God would help me be the person He wants me to be –Christ like– in His own perfect time. I long for the time when I can say with a deep-seated conviction and an intense passion, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

From day 1 to yesterday, the Holy Spirit is just magnificently allowing us to experience his little works and they’re already massive and too wonderful, and now that it’s the 28th day of our church’s prayer and fasting, it just gets better and better. Tonight’s message was an eye opener for me, a night of one of the many genuine revelations, even, that only God can give.

The message was about one of the important kinds of relationship we have with Christ, and that is being a slave to him. I guess I’ve got no time to tell it all here but that’s what it’s all about. To say the word slave straightly and monotonous is without impact, but to understand it real well will be something severe. In truth, Christians are to be slaves of Christ. We are owned. We are not of ourselves but of His. (In the message, it was toughly explained why we are termed as slaves, actually as the pastor preached, the word servant as Christians termed to themselves and Jesus to them, literally means slave when looked at at its original Greek context.)

A slave to Christ, it’s unbelievably the best thing ever, but, it would mean bidding farewell to many of my plans and even my wants. It would also mean releasing my grip of whatever control I, somehow, still assert to have in my life. It would mean adversities and who would know how many instances of discomfort, melancholy and misery. But all of these are guaranteed temporary. If God has created every thing, he definitely owns every thing. If he has chosen to give his Son for the sake of us so unworthy of the inimitable sacrifice 2,000 years ago, he definitely will never turn his back on us.

He will never let the people, whom he loves so much and sacrificed his all for, to face adversaries without aid, to go through discomfort and sadness without glorious times of comfort, peace and assurance, to experience misery without the magnificence of his hands always at work for succor and haven.

I pray so hardly that the Holy Spirit will recall me in the days to come when I will not be reminded of this night when I completely believe I have nothing to lose if I’ll decide so totally to leave the living of my life each day to his hands with the vehement desire to live it according to his will and his alone. To make his lordship so real in my life more than before.

Surely I have no idea what there is in the coming days, weeks, months and bulks of years but it just doesn’t matter anymore when you know that you are held by the hand that holds the world. The only goal one must always pursue, all the days of his life, is to let God’s will happen in and through the life He has given him. This is the moment I desire this the most and I pray this will be forevermore.

Quite possibly and most commonly, an implication of contradiction in mind can occur if someone has knowledge of other verses that seems to refute Romans 9:18, maybe 1 Cor. 13:5, that is, I believe, in the instance of initial perception. I had this some moments ago, I read chapter 9 of Romans and that verse, and some other in it, seemed to oppose what I know about who God is as He says and has shown: He’s not selfish, but again in the instance of initial perception when Romans 9:18 is read, He’s otherwise. I decided to scrutinize the subjects deeper but then I lack in knowledge and understanding to expand and reason the matter further.

And then I thought about faith. Maybe such is the purpose of faith: to believe and hope in God and His promises basing on who He says He is and not on how we think He is or how we perceive Him as. Hebrew 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” It’s like faith only includes us in the event of deciding to take it in, or when we decide to engage having faith and also, largely, in the event of “maintaining” it in ourselves, making it stronger in clinging; it doesn’t include our conditions about God, our thoughts that can imply “disqualification” of Him as worthy of us to have faith in. In man’s standards, faith defined as Hebrews 11:11 is unacceptable because most of us know it as believing in something we have already seen, something we have already proven. But then faith is otherwise and it’s the truth despite the ugliness and its tragedy in our thinking.

Faith is not only in our own side to take part in, quite mainly and truthfully, although a bit complicated when applied in reality, God is its focus –not our conditions. To initiate belief and sustain its progression in us, meaning, to make it stronger, is just what we must have. We need not to question or reason so much to ourselves. Faith requires us to believe in God and His promises. Period. That’s it. After all, His thoughts are not as ours, neither His ways as ours. (Isaiah 55:8)